Why I’m good at flirting

By Haneen Khan, Sex & Intimacy Educator.

I want to change my title to a very unapologetic: ‘Flirt Queen’. 👸🏼

I always wondered why people came to me for flirting advice. I had no friggin clue what I was doing. What was my secret sauce? 🍔 God knows, so I set out to consciously learn.

Fast forward to now -- I'm running flirting workshops and people are devouring my words 🤤 (or my body language?). And I feel on FIRE.

Turns out I do know a thing or two?!

So, here are my 5 tips to be an effortless flirt.

1. Tune into... you

We put a disproportionate emphasis on the other person’s experience. We think: Am I interesting enough? 😱What are they thinking? 🤭 Did I say the right thing? 🙊 These are the wrong questions. The wrong angle.

My approach: 👉🏼 go inward 👈🏼. How do YOU feel in connection with this person? Check your body’s signals. 🚦Does this person energise you? Do you feel safe in connection with this person? Do you feel grounded? Is your breathing shallow or slow/deep? 🫁 Do you feel seen, heard?

Why?

It teaches you that you value yourself and your body’s wisdom. This will relax you, because you are less anxious about the other person's experience and more caring about your own.

Ask your body: Is this the connection you actually desire? Pay at least 30-40% attention to yourself…..and the rest on them. If my body feels good around someone, I might even share that experience out loud. This leads into......

2. Express what you're actually feeling *now*

....something I find IRRESISTIBLY sexy:

When someone verbalises what’s currently happening in their body/thoughts/desires — in relation to our interaction. For example...

“I notice my breathing has just deepened.”

“I feel so energised by your questions.”

“I’m noticing how drawn I feel towards your [body part].”

“I love the way you’re so playful, it makes me feel child-like.”

“I notice my palms feel really sweaty.”

Why is this so freakin juicy?

a) It invites me into the vulnerability of the present moment

b) It’s courageous AF (who knows how it might be received!!!)

c) It tells me this person is super self-aware / has great meta-observation skills.

PLUS the object of your flirting is now relaxed by your honesty. They don’t need to guess and care-take.

And it invites them to tune into themselves and share how they feel. It's intimacy-building stuff. Wanna take it to the next level?? Dare to say something uncomfortably true.

"I feel disconnected at the moment" "I feel tension around something you just said". If you are ever on the receiving end of this: do. not. caretake. Never try and make someone "feel better". Their experience is theirs - let them have it. Just get curious. Curiosity is beautiful. "What makes you feel that way?" This also leads me to.....

3. Lean into the silence

.....building your capacity to be in the awkward. In the tension. For example: everyone loves silence but everyone seems to be afraid of it. 😨 People say they would only feel comfortable in silences if they knew the other person was enjoying it too. Well, how about you YOU take the lead? 🕺🏼

See if you can practice becoming comfortable with that silence, rather than waiting for the cue to come from them. In other words, get comfortable in uncertainty. In the mystery. In the risk. Breathe through it (deep breaths help shift your nervous system shift towards relaxation). How do you get better at this?

Practice. 🙆🏼‍♀️

4. Let go of the agenda (or just communicate it straight up!)

People struggle to let go of an agenda “I want this girl to like me” or “I want him to think I’m sexy”. 💋 We’re so busy thinking about connection and approval, that we lose ourselves. An agenda gets in the way of our ability to just be in the connection.

How spacious would it feel if you could let go of that? Just flirt with everyone. By being curious. By listening. 👂🏼There’s nothing more flattering than receiving someone’s presence.

On the other side - if you’re gonna have an agenda, at least be aware of it and (oooooh this is edgy) could you dare to communicate your agenda? 👀 Hehe.

I think that would be refreshing to hear. Cos if you have one - and you don't communicate it - then trust me, I can read it, and it's a losing battle.

5. Wear your heart on your face

Consider what your body language is conveying. I have a lot of warmth in my body language.

I don’t think I verbally say anything special, but my my movements do - they are relaxed and fluid. 🧚🏻 My touch is gentle. My gestures are expressive and inviting. My tone of voice fluctuates from playful 🐶 to thoughtful 🧐. My facial expressions are attentive and constantly reflect what I’m hearing or saying.

Remember you wear your heart on your face. Not on your sleeve. And what you say with your body matters FAR MORE than what you say with your words. 💬

This is very linked to Tip 1 - when you feel "unsafe" around someone, ever notice the impact it has on your voice? Mine becomes strained and high-pitched. My body language is more rigid. People can read that. I go into this in my coaching and workshops.

So... Now it's over to you, flirt queen!

Really, I’m just teaching you to value yourself and be unapologetically you. To be tuned into your body. Your sensations. Your REAL desires. Your ****vulnerability and courage in communication.

‍This is my 9-week course in a nutshell — and we really get to live and practice it. It will be the smartest decision you’ve made - not least for the huge shifts in your sex & intimacy life.

‍

Haneen Khan is a Sex & Intimacy Educator who's on a mission to empower people in the bedroom and beyond.